Mutant Prank Wars
by Gambit's Nightmare
Summary: The mutants population of Bayville gets involved in a fullscale prank war.
1. What’s Up Scott’s Ass?

**Mutant Prank Wars**

Well, my story 'Rehabilitation' is coming to a close, and I want to have a well-established vent for depravity, so…think of this as Iggy's next sick little story.

**Chapter 1 – What's Up Scott's Ass?**

Remy whistled 'Like a Virgin' as he steered the wheelbarrow through the woods at 3 AM. Scott's inebriated body was slung across it along with supplies necessary for the best prank ever. On some level, Remy WANTED to be caught, because this was really so damn good. "Remind Remy t'thank his pere f'teachin' him to forge handwritin'."

It started with a (near) harmless prank on Scott Summers. Everyone wanted to get even for the fact that he was becoming more of an ass as time went by. And Pietro? There really wasn't an excuse for that, he was just a good target. Plus, he had the right initials.

Meanwhile, his old buddy Pyro had paid a visit to the Brotherhood, bringing with him a lot of booze. He and Remy had planned this so well. Rogue invited Remy over for the party, Pyro went to the Brotherhood…it all worked. The surprising thing was that nearly everyone wanted to take part in the ruse. It was beautiful. Pietro was a fast drinker, literally, and was soon passed out on the couch. Pyro took all Pietro's clothes off, wrote 'SS (plus) PM 4EVER' on his pelvis, then put his clothes on, minus his lacy panties (Yes, he does wear ladies' underwear, unsurprisingly), which he took to Remy.

As John and Remy stood over Scott, they laughed, then Pyro kicked him in the ass, hard. "That's going to be sore in the morning." He said, laughing.

**The Next Morning…**

Scott's eyes slowly opened and he clutched his head. "How much did I drink last night?" Scott asked himself as he sat up. "My ass hurts." Then, he realized the true horror of his situation. He was naked, in the woods, with a hangover, a pair of panties, and a used bumpy condom laid out across his chest. On his right arm, there was a number written in his handwriting next to the label, 'PM.' There was a girl at school that Scott had a crush on, her name was Penelope Morgan. He smiled as he realized he probably had sex with her the night before, then frowned because he couldn't remember it.

He snuck into the mansion through the tunnels and showered, quite pleased with himself. When he got out of the shower, he picked up his phone and entered the number with the label 'My Hotness,' then was about to dial it when his phone began to ring. That number flashed on his screen and he answered it eagerly. "Hey there, Hottie!" He held the panties up to his nose and inhaled them, smiling.

"SCOTT?"

Scott and Pietro both screamed and hung up.

"That did not happen." Scott said.

Hearing Scott's panicked scream, Rogue smiled and knocked on his door. "Hey Scott!"

"Hello, Rogue." Scott said, trying desperately to seem calm. "What's up?" He smiled, then suddenly felt the need to prove his heterosexuality. "DOYOUWANNAHAVESEXWITHME?" He sputtered out loudly. Jean, who he had also been trying to impress, walked past the door right then. "Wait, Jean, I didn't mean it like that! I would never sleep with her!"

Jean winked. "I know, Scott. And Pietro knows, that's the important thing." Scott looked distraught as Jean spoke sweetly to him.

Rogue soon joined in. "You know, Scott, we all support your decisions. We all want you to be happy, and if that means bein' with Pietro, you gotta do that."

"You…saw us…together?" Scott asked. They nodded. "Like… 'together,' together?"

"Yeah!" Jean said. "Pietro came and borrowed a condom from me. Ridged. Surely you remember the ridges!" She said, winking at Scott, who realized his ass was sore.

Hank came in and decided to add the final blow. "I am proud of you two for practicing safe sex." He grinned as he watched ALL the blood drain from Scott's face.

"I had sex with Pietro." He muttered. "I had sex with PIETRO?" He yelled.

Jean suddenly looked at him with a look of sadness and disappointment. "Don't pretend you don't remember, Scott." She telepathically summoned Logan, who came upstairs for his part in the prank.

"No! I don't!" Scott yelled. "I hate Pietro and I'm NOT LIKE THAT." He screamed. It was no secret that Scott was the biggest homophobe on the planet, which was one of the things that had made this particular prank so damn funny in the first place.

Logan crossed his arms and gruffly began lecturing Scott. "Ya slept with him, Cyke, whether you like it or not. If ya didn't love him, ya shoudda kept your pants on!"

"Bu-But!" Scott said.

"But what?" Logan said. "Are you the type of man that just uses others for sex and then moves on? How do y'think that makes Pietro feel?" He put an arm around Remy and attached a tiny sound transmitter to his back. "I expected more from a so-called 'leader'."

Scott stormed out and began walking the grounds, trying to understand WHY he would do something like that.

Back at the Brotherhood, Lance was sitting on the couch while Pietro stared at the ceiling in disbelief. "Did I actually have sex with Scott Summers?"

Lance pretended to ignore him. "You had sex with somebody, you even bragged about how tight they were. When you were bragging, you mentioned leaving your undies with whoever it was."

"That's it!" Pietro exclaimed as he sprinted to the X-Mansion. He found Scott and tried to imagine how they would end up together.

Scott sighed and summoned every ounce of bravery his budding inner superhero could manage. "Look," Scott said. "I think there's been some sort of a mistake." Still in denial, Scott clung to the women's panties in his pocket and then took them out. He sniffed them again in front of Pietro. "I like WOMEN."

"Scott?" Pietro said nervously. "Those are mine." He held his stomach. "Tell me we didn't."

"Oh god…we did." Scott said, feeling nauseated.

"I can't believe I stuck my dick in…YOU." Pietro screamed.

"I can't believe you did either!" Scott yelled. "You…up…my…ugh!"

The two guys stood a few feet apart, awkwardly staring at one another. "We have to talk about this." Scott said. "And take responsibility, so our respective teams know that one night stands with members of other teams in unacceptable."

Pietro nodded, still feeling disgusting. "Scott…we wrote this." He said, pulling his pants down and showing him the SS (plus) PM on his pelvis.

"AHH!" Scott screamed. "Don't do that!"

"What?" Pietro said. "It's not like you haven't seen it before. It's been in you, Scott. And you probably enjoyed it. Get over yourself." He smugly pulled his pants back up.

Scott was pale, to say the least. And shaky, as if his whole world had just ended. "Okay." He said, nervously. "Assume we did have something for each other last night, why don't we feel it now?"

Pietro shrugged. "Maybe we had to be drunk?"

"I am not gay." Scott stated, as if it was an order. "Not. Gay."

"Prove it." Pietro said, suddenly amused by Scott's behavior.

Without warning, Scott grabbed Pietro and desperately laid a kiss on him, so he could prove his straightness.

_BAMF! Snap! BAMF!_

Scott and Pietro were so busy trying to prove their manliness that Kurt took the picture, unnoticed.

The kiss ended, and Scott and Pietro both frowned. "Definitely not gay." Pietro said.

"Yeah." Scott replied. "That was gross."

"How 'bout we never, ever tell anyone about this, ever?" Pietro asked.

"About what?" Scott said, innocently as the two men separated.

**Three days later…**

The mutants arrived at Bayville High to find Remy standing out front handing out flyers.

"Remy gonna have a party! Free booze!" Kids flocked to him like he was handing out crack and took the flyers. Annoyed, Scott approached him and snatched one of the flyers. Not only did it advertise a party at the Brotherhood's house, which the Brotherhood was unaware of, but…

Scott screamed as he realized why everyone was looking at him.

The flyers had a picture of Scott and Pietro kissing on it. Remy had passed them around through the WHOLE school.

At lunch, Pietro sat next to Scott and whispered in his ear. "Remy needs to pay!"

Scott jumped up. "Don't sit by me and don't whisper…you're not helping at all!"

"Are you gonna help me get even with that son of a bitch redneck?" Pietro asked.

"No!" Scott yelled, hoping that he could just move on and forget the whole thing. Pietro was getting fed up with his non-vengeful attitude and knew what he had to do. He blew Scott a kiss right in front of EVERYONE.

Needless to say, Scott was desperate to put an end to Pietro public advances, and agreed to help him get even with Remy. He sat back down and looked at Pietro. "You're gay aren't you?"

Pietro looked up at him. "Uhh…no shit. That doesn't change the fact that the thought of sticking my dick in your ass is still the grossest thing ever. It's YOU, for crying out loud."

Scott glared at him. "Are you saying my ass isn't good enough?"

Pietro shrugged. "Get away from me, Summers."

…………………………………………………………..

**Next Chapter: Pietro and Scott get even!**

**Like, Dislike, Leave me a comment!**


	2. Remy Jr

**Mutant Prank Wars**

**Chapter 2 – Remy Jr.**

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Scott asked. "What if he doesn't care?"

Pietro smiled. "Trust me, Gambit'll care." He replied as they sat at a table in the mall. "How about that one?" He said as he pointed to a young woman pushing a stroller.

Scott's eyes glittered when he spotted something far more useful. He simply slapped Pietro and pointed to a woman pushing triplets. "She's the one."

The guys made their way through the food court and approached the woman. "Hi." Pietro said. "You sure do look nice for a woman with three babies."

The girl smiled. "Oh, they're not mine. Thankfully. I'm just babysitting them."

Pietro put an arm around her. "We have a business proposition for you."

………………………………………………

**Later that day…**

_Knock knock knock!_

Gambit looked over at his clock. 2 PM. "Maybe it's time to get up, eh?" He put a shirt on and walked to the door of the Acolytes base, then grinned when he opened it. "Bonjour, chere. You are lookin' beautiful today!" He stretched a hand out to her. "Remy, at y'service."

She giggled and threw herself into Remy's arms. "Remy, don't you remember me? Cassie?" Remy frowned. This was the question he hated most of all. His eyebrows arched high enough to hit the ceiling when she laid a ridiculously lusty kiss on him. "You gave me this." She said, holding out the Queen of Hearts to him. He smiled and pulled her close; only the best got those from him, even if he didn't remember her later. It was his way of telling his post-inebriated self that a second round with the holder of the card was highly desirable.

"It's startin' t'come back to me." He said, grinning.

She grinned. "There's something…" She kissed him. "…really, really important that I need to show you." Cassie said, giving him what was undeniably 'the look.' "Meet me at my apartment. Here's the address." Remy felt her hand in his back pocket and smiled. He was going to have a good night.

Several hours later, Pyro banged on the door to the bathroom. "Hey, Mate, Some of us gotta use the crapper."

Remy opened the door and poked his head out. "Remy's gettin' lucky tonight. Go away. There's another bathroom anyway."

"Sabes is in there!" Pyro said. "You know how that is."

Remy snickered and sauntered out of the bathroom. "Someday, Remy hopes y'learn to be the man that I, Remy Lebeau, am!" He grinned in self-satisfaction and walked out.

When he got to the apartment, he rang the doorbell and held out a bunch of roses to Cassie, who had a baby balanced on one hip. "Hello, chere. Y'lookin' amazing." His gaze drifted to the baby, "Look at dis cute lil' guy!" He laughed when the baby smiled at him.

"Hi Remy!" Cassie said, handing the baby over to him and inviting him in. "Would you mind watching him while I check on dinner?"

Remy nodded. "Sure, Remy loves kids!" That line always got him points with the women. Always. He sat down on the couch and bounced the baby on one knee. "Dat's right, Remy loves you cause it'll get laid, yes it will!"

Back at the Brotherhood, various X-Men, Acolytes, and Brotherhood members had gathered to watch what Pietro and Scott called 'Gambit TV,' which was actually just a series of hidden surveillance equipment in the apartment. There was a unison "Awwwwww…" from the girls as Remy bounced the baby; it was cut off promptly by his bastardized, arrogant baby talk.

"Wow, that guy's a jerk. I can't believe any woman even looks at him." Rogue said.

Wanda shrugged. "Maybe he wouldn't be so bad if we put him on mute."

John laughed. "Mags has been trying that for…"

Unable to finish his sentence due to excessive laughter, John turned his attention back to the television, where Remy was unknowingly enjoying a dinner with Cassie, still completely unaware of the train that was about to hit him.

"So, chere." Remy said as Cassie rubbed one of his legs with hers. "You are a very amazin' young woman. Any man would be lucky t'have you, dis Cajun included."

Their conversation was interrupted by a baby's cry, to which Remy responded by standing up. "No worries, Remy can handle this." Remy walked to the source of the noise, marveling at how women put out to men who liked their kids. "One…two…three." He counted the babies out loud and then noticed the first baby's cry had awakened one of the others, who was also screaming.

Five minutes later, all three were screaming and Remy was trying desperately to sing them to sleep, singing horribly in French. This, of course, had all of his friends and several of his enemies in stitches.

Cassie finally came in and quickly managed to get them all quiet, and was holding the last one when she apologetically smiled. "Having triplets can be so hard. Remy Jr. here is almost impossible sometimes."

Remy nodded, his eyes bulging from his head as Cassie babbled about something he hadn't quite processed yet.

"Wait…" He said. "What is dis guys name?" Remy asked, pointing to the baby in her arms.

"Remy Jr."

"EXCUSE MOI?"

Roars of laughter erupted at the Brotherhood.

"I named him after his father!" She said, gazing happily into his eyes. She put the baby down in the crib and put her arms around him. "You're going to be such a good daddy!"

Remy willed his shaking arm to mechanically lift and go around the woman. Cassie had a card, and, that meant he'd had sex with her. Good sex. "Y'sure they're mine?" Remy finally managed to squeak.

Cassie smiled widely and stared into his eyes. "You were my first. My only! I carried your babies, isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?"

"Huh? Oh, uh…" Remy stepped back and was about to escape through the window when he heard sobbing behind him. "Merde." He whispered under his breath. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't let himself walk away from the woman who he had undeniably ruined, forever. He agonizingly turned to face Cassie.

"I THOUGHT YOU LIKED BABIES!" She sobbed, covering her face. "If you didn't like babies, why didn't you use protection?" She said, her voice muffled by her hands. Stunned by the sudden guilt he felt, he went over to the crib, and peered at the three babies. Cassie sniffled. "The brownies!" She yelled, running back to the kitchen, leaving Remy alone with the triplets.

Remy very cautiously reached out with one finger and lightly touched on of them. "I am goin' t'kill myself."

After emptying his wallet, handing over two of his credit cards, and nearly blowing his own head off, Remy went home and showered. He felt bad about the way he responded to Cassie, and decided that he needed to apologize. And, he sort of wanted to see the babies again. Just to make sure they were his. And still cute, of course.

When he got to the apartment complex, he was shocked to find Pietro and Scott standing in the hallway.

"_Alright, Remy had $450 in cash and two credit cards. We'll let Cassie keep the credit cards, and we split the cash two ways." Pietro said. Remy ducked behind a corner. "Oh man, Remy's response…priceless. And extortion on top of that!" _

Remy let out a long sigh of relief, when he realized it was a gag, then his relief melted into pure wrath. "Dis not over." Remy said as he knocked on the door.

………………………………………………………

Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel.

**Next Chapter: Someone will break a limb, Nair will be spilt on Sabretooth, and Magneto will prank his favorite baldie.**


End file.
